Saturday, January 23, 2010

The Reasoning

Are you the type of person who believes in reasoning in the universe? I guess I am because whenever I think about my situation and consider that there must be some reason for me being where I am right now, I feel better.

I think right now is one of the lower points in my life. Not to sound all dramatic and “poor me”, this is just reality as I see it.

So what is the reason behind my current situation? Humility, learning how to survive on very little, learning that I am the only one I can ever really trust? Learning how to recover from what feels like a devastating blow? Learning that live goes on, no matter what? Changing my attitude to resemble something like “I will survive” rather than “why me”? Getting out of my cave and asking for help? All of the above?

I’ve been hiding from these thoughts for a while. They have been fumbling around in my head for months now, but it’s easy to ignore them – they aren’t an immediate concern. But I have to face up to them now. I have to take a hard look at myself and figure out who I really am, what I really want in life.

Wednesday, January 13, 2010

I have done my best

I have done my best to give my employer the benefit of the doubt. I've done my best for the past year and two months to do so. But I have finally realized that no matter what I do, he is not the man I thought he was, and will not change anytime soon (if ever).

Over a year ago I was laid off due to lack of work. My co-worker was also laid off, but he was brought back more often when there was work to be had. Now, I don't wish any ill will towards my co-worker: he needed the work just like I needed the work.

But over the past year things have changed financially for me. Now I need the work more than my co-worker needs it. This change is in part due to me not being brought in to work often enough over the past year. Essentially, my boss has helped create the situation I'm in. I have spoken with my co-worker about all this. He understands that I need the work more than he does. He has even said so to our boss. I have said so to our boss.

But it continues that my co-worker is brought back when there is work, and I am not. You could argue that my co-worker has a broader base of skills to draw from, and is therefore a more valuable employee, hence he should be brought in over me. You could argue that he has seniority over me. But that's mostly bullshit.

He and I have spoken about it and we feel the seniority issue is out the window. He does have more skills than I do, but the work that he is being called in for doesn't require any skills I do not already posses. Plus he is being brought in to work on projects that I was ostensibly the "lead" on. So something else is going on with my boss.

I asked my co-worker (who has worked every day this week while I've languished at home, worrying about paying the bills), about all this today. He says he has said directly to our boss, "Laura needs the work more, I'm ok with you bringing her in instead of me." So I don't think it's a lack of clarity. Our boss' response: "Well, if I have to start thinking about who I need to bring in based on who needs more money, that's just too much to deal with."

Makes me want to kick him in the head. He knows I need work. He knows I can do the work he needs done. I'm even less expensive than my co-worker (which brings into question his business saavy - why would you pay a higher price for basic work when the company is having a tough time even getting any work to start with?).

I know my boss is under stress. His 25 year old business has been hit hard. He himself didn't draw a paycheck in 2009 (his wife makes enough to keep them afloat, apparently). He's got a lot on his head. But that's all bullshit from my point of view too. It's not rocket science to figure out who needs hours the most. He is using that as some fucked up excuse to keep my co-worker on the payroll and to pass over me.

Sexism? Maybe. Preferential treatment? Definitely. Annoying as hell? Most assuredly.

So I'm looking. Even if I have to take a paycut, I'll consider a move to another company. If they can keep me employed consistently, maybe even give me benefits, I'm gone.