Las Drogas!

I am coming to terms with my chemical imbalance. I had a therapist a few years back who suggested that my depression was partly hereditary, and that has mostly been proven true. Lately that has been a bit of a comfort to me. Since I no longer have health insurance, I can't afford to see a doctor to get any meds, so I am stuck dealing with my feelings au natural. For a long time I've assumed that it was just me. If only I could change my point of view, be a bit more positive, just get over myself, I would feel better.

But now I think that's bunk. Yes, I could help myself by not being as negative as I've been lately, but there's only so far that will take me. To get the rest of the way (or closer at least) to healthy, I need chemical assistance. And although that feels a bit like Loserville, it also takes a huge burden off my shoulders. It's not completely up to me. I can't fix it all by myself. I don't have to be perfect.

So I will do what I can. Eat healthy, exercise, smile more, think good thoughts, banish the negative. And when Obama finally gets this health insurance thing worked out, I'll get back on meds.

Time to look forward

Rob Brezney says to we Taurus' this week:
"The old saying "You can't have your cake and eat it too" suggests that maybe it's not a good idea to go out on dates with a variety of lovers while you're engaged to be married. Nostradamus scholar John Hogue has taken the spirit of this idea and created a variation that I think applies to you right now, Taurus. "You can't have your past and your future, too," he says. In other words, you cannot fully embrace the exciting and daunting possibilities that loom ahead of you if you also insist on immersing yourself in the pleasures of the past. You can either have the old ways or the new ways, but not both."

So, future, what have you in store for me?

Ok, enough.

I'm over this "economic downturn" shit. I've been semi-employed since December of last year and it's really making a mess of my financial life. Tomorrow I have to talk to my boss to see if he can cough up any more money for me. Not only am I semi-employed, I also lost all my benefits and took a 15% pay cut.

Ouch.

We've survived so far, and I'm sure all this will be a (crappy) memory someday in the future, but at the moment it feels like forever. Scraping together $2 of coins so I can buy a cup of coffee and use the free wifi at the cafe. Tap dancing to pay all the bills I can, on time if possible, late if not. Better than not at all, I guess. Although some of my creditors are falling into that category too.

I can't really find enough anger to care that the bigwigs at the financial companies we've bailed out are now back to their same old salaries and up to their same old shenanigans. I grew up in the 80's - I expect all those folks to be corrupt and rich.

But like the bumper sticker says: "where's my bailout"?

Montana

We just got back from a long motorcycle trip to Montana for a cousin's wedding. It was gorgeous up there. We were right next door to the Glacier National Park, so we got to spend some time in the park. The drive up, which we did in one day, was good. I was less exhausted than I thought I would be. Of course, after getting off the motorcycles and having some food and a beer, exhaustion sank in.

Driving back to Portland was another matter.

Right around Spokane we noticed an increase in the wind. Turns out we were in a high wind warning zone, although we didn't hear that officially until much later. We were buffeted around from all sides. It was a repeat of West Texas for me. My shoulders took the brunt of it, although it seemed like all my muscles were firing for most of that portion of the trip.

Crossing the Columbia at the bridge at Umatilla was scary. The wind was free to flow over us as well as under us, so yet another dimension was added to controlling our motorcycles. I felt the bike pushed left and right as I crossed. All I could think was, "get me the hell off this bridge"!

Once we were down in the gorge the winds continued, but at least they were mostly coming from one direction. We stopped to rest at one point and even the seagulls were staying out of the air. Some were even sitting on the ground to avoid the wind.

It was a great time, and I'd do it again. But not until my muscles recover!

The Right Frame of Mind

Sometimes I think, "oh, I should just grab my camera and go out and take photos." Or, "I should just sit down and write some of this stuff that is in my head that I think is pretty readable". But the reality is that it isn't that simple.

I remember when I was in art school, being "in the zone" at times. So concentrated on whatever I was producing that my consciousness actually felt like it was in another section of my brain. One that was reserved for this type of task, one that wasn't used in normal everyday tasks.

I've been feeling that section of my brain again lately. Like I need to revisit it - it's been too long. I've let other parts of my life take up too much space in my brain. Finances, job drama, house drama, avoiding it all by watching too much tv. It's so easy to sink into the mire of these things.