Friday, February 16, 2024

Leaving

Seven weeks. From a distance, it can look like a short amount of time. Less than two months. A small bit of a full lifetime.

These seven weeks have felt like a lifetime. In the best way. I’ve met friends and had experiences that will stay with me forever. A community has been started. Now we will scatter to wind and wind up in various areas of the country. Will the center hold? Will we continue to maintain this community? With effort, yes. I have faith it will happen.

Leaving my home away from home after seven weeks puts me back into that unmoored feeling again. My future for the next two weeks is clear. Beyond that…. fog. Do I stay in Portland and start to learn my new trade? Do I stay there long enough to prep my house to rent to traveling nurses? Have I done enough to get a legit business going? 

Sidebar: I admit I am jealous of my fellow students who have this thing called A Wife (or A Partner) who is working in the background to get things going while they are in classes. I’ve said a few times that I need one of these Wife things to help me out. No, not a romantic wife… the romantic role in my life will be held by a man. Eventually.

Leaving here will put me on my own. Here I have been in practice mode. Classroom mode. Out there is the Real World. Where I will stumble. Where I will fuck up. Where I will start to ingest all the knowledge I’ve picked up here and make it work, make it become muscle memory.

It’s scary in a way. I’ve done this so many times – started a New Life by changing careers, moving to a new city, starting a new path of education. But this time I’m a bit unmoored somehow. Being away from my home, my cat, my familiar (but annoying) surroundings. I did this exact thing once before – when I went to furniture making school in Maine. Three months away, then move to a new city and start a new career. What is different this time is that I have a house to return to. In 2001 I was crashing at a friend’s house, all my belongings packed away, ready to move. Now I’ve upended that order. I’ve still got my house instead of it being packed up. 

And I have a situation to deal with when I get home. My ex has been watching my house and cat. It hasn’t worked out as I had hoped it would. He’s not lived up to the commitments he offered. It’s the end of a long relationship. And I need to kick him out of my life. Permanently. There’s a lot of difficulty tied up with that. I wish it was easier.

Then there will be the emotional hangover that comes with all similar situations. That sludge that hangs over you for some unknown amount of time until your system re-rights itself and you can move through your day without feeling drawn down.

I think it’s this work that scares me the most. I can get over my fear of dealing with strangers. I can become more confident in my Tech knowledge and skill. I can make decisions for my future more easily. I just have to get through this sludge portion. That’s going to be the hard work. 

Then I can get myself balanced, moored, settled, grounded. 

Then I can start to move again.

Sunday, December 24, 2023

Because of course

 I’m really glad that Greg is on this first stretch of my run down to Texas. 

My 12-volt battery system batteries have been not working since I got the oil changed in my RV. The shop that did the change didn’t realize they were running the batteries down. Granted, the batteries were 4 or 5 years old already, but running them down to zero truly killed them. 

I had plugged the RV into shore power & they came back up to half power. So we hit the road. 

On our first night, they died again. So….off to buy two new deep cycle battery the time of $270. Ugh. 

We stopped to top off the diesel tank before we hit California.  I had a nice .50 cent discount, so we got out of there for $120. 

Don’t let anyone tell you that living in an RV is inexpensive. 😄

On the highway again and we start up the Siskyou Mountains. Only to overheat. 

Sigh. 

Now we’re hanging out in the side of the highway waiting for the engine to cool down so we can see if we can figure out what il the issue is. 

Greg has been a truck driver for 15 or so years, so he’s been a godsend so far. 


Tuesday, December 19, 2023

So Many Unknowns

 T minus 4 days.  And there are still so many unknowns.

1. Will the glass company have the new windshield installed in time for me to get the last bits into the RV and take care of the last punch list items?

2. Where am I going to grab the money from for the glass repair bill? And the final bill for the RV park where I'll be staying in Texas?

3. What the hell is wrong with the 12-volt system and can I figure that out before I leave?

4. How difficult will it be to get the motorcycle carrier on the RV, and then my motorcycle on the carrier? I'll have help, thank goodness, but this is a new experience for me.  Only time I've ever transported a motorcycle via a vehicle was over a decade ago, and both times the motorcycle was on a flat surface.  Once in a trailer, once in the back of a pickup truck.

5. What am I going to forget?  What will I have brought that I don't actually need? How much money am I going to spend to get to Texas? Aaaagggghhhhhhh!

Deep breath.  I'll get through it all.  Just keep moving.

Friday, December 15, 2023

My next ride

It's odd, this space I'm inhabiting. Getting ready for the newest adventure.  Not having an income source beyond unemployment.  And now that's ended.  Just in time to take off.

Feelings of uselessness (crazy because I've been doing so much), guilt for not working (gotta be a good consumer in our Consumerist society), anxiety about this next step (well, that one makes a bit of sense).

The only direction now is forward. Head down to Texas, back to another school.  This time it's RV Tech -fixing RVs for a living. 

It feels like a bit of an odd step for me.  I've been in this one place, this same house for 20 years now.  That's longer than I've ever lived anywhere.  Have I become accustomed to being here? Can I not envision being somewhere else?  How odd.  I've moved around all my life, somehow it's different this time.  Passing time? Because I'm older? The general Unknown? I can't seem to pin it down.

But for now..... here I go!

I've got my own RV - a 36' motorhome diesel pusher that I've been remodeling for the past year. 


I've got a better photo of her somewhere, but this is what I've got on hand for the moment. She's awesome.  No name yet, so I'm open to suggestions.  

She's a 1996 National Dolphin 635 diesel pusher.  Cummins diesel V5.9, 12 valve engine. Allison 6-speed transmission.  Disc brakes all around, one solar panel to keep the 12-volt system charged up, propane generator. One slide-out, queen bed, shower, kitchen, living room. Here's one inside photo - of the bedroom:



New floor & wallpaper, all surfaces painted. I'm gonna have to scrounge up some Before photos one of these days.

I've had a great time working on getting her insides so pretty and updated.  Now I get to learn how to keep her innards working!  Fortunately for me, she's mostly functional already.  I may need to buy a new battery or two for the 12-volt system, and I do need to figure out why her landing gear isn't working.  (Excuse me, her stabilizing feet - not landing gear.  Guess that's a leftover from my trucking days.) Otherwise, she's in good shape.  Or at least good enough to get me to Texas so I can figure out what needs to really be fixed and how to do so!

Now I'm down to the last days of my time at home.  Gotta get everything gathered that I will need for a few months, tie up some loose ends. I've got eight days until departure day....!

Again....

 Tap, tap.... is anyone out there?  Let's blow the dust off this thing.


Monday, January 02, 2023

Another adventure

 It's been too long and I need to update this website.  Not that I think anyone is really paying attention, but hey, optimism reigns supreme!


Sunday, December 19, 2021

Another year

Following up on that last post... Mom passed away on January 6th.  Her two head traumas within a year of each other were stronger than her in the long run.  Now it's almost a year later, and shit still stinks.

I'm feeling confused and muddled.  Too many things to pursue, and I'm not sure which of them - if any - I'm truly interested in.  BF has gotten much better this past year, but there are still hiccups.  Like last night.  He decided to do meth again.  I have no idea what triggered it.  He came home around midnight, so it wasn't a long run.  But still.  He's recovering now so I haven't had the "pleasure" of discussing it with him.

We bought a used RV, with plans to fix it up, rent the house, and drive around the country finding work as we need it for maybe a year.  I started to work on the interior - got rid of the crap mattress, hide-a-bed and matching lounge chair, sold the table and chairs.  Tore out the *old* CRT tv, leaving a big messy gap where it used to live.  So it's basically unsellable at the moment.  At least it is without some investment in time and cleaning and money.

Then the holidays came around.  And our work schedule got crazy, as we knew it would.  Less sleep, more uncertainty, more stress.  None of which helps our relationship.

Plus we both seem to have contracted SIBO a few months back.  I had to do a 2-day test with an extremely limited diet.  It sucked.  BF knew he probably had the same thing, but we both know he doesn't have the self control to do the diet I did, even if it were just one day.  So frustrating that he has so little self control. Even with a fucking one-day diet.  He seems to pride himself on this.  That he's so bull-headed. He seems to get off on it a bit.  Like "I'm so contrary, no one can make me do something I don't want to do!", as he sticks out his chest with pride.

As if he knows what's good for him and what's not.  He grew up in horrible surroundings, and trauma like that doesn't allow people to learn to do self care.  It's his damn insecure ego speaking.

Anyway... So, RV is on hold.  Job is messy right now.  BF is a bit of a mess too.  As are our intestines.

Plus it's winter, and that means crappy weather in Portland.  A friend posted a poem, the first stanza hit me like a soggy winter raindrop:

all I crave is light & yet
winter
sky is busy imitating milk
frozen in an upturned bowl

Milk frozen in an upturned bowl. Yes, exactly. So damn depressing.

At least I now have the two antibiotics I need to treat my SIBO. BF is going a different route, which I suspect will fail as it relies on his self control. But why do I have to worry about that? That's his guts, and his health, and he certainly doesn't seem interested in doing anything positive towards all that right now.

And I'm sitting here spinning. Keep the trucking job until we get the RV road-ready? Empty the house and rent it out. And go where? We've been discussing an RV school where I would learn to be an RV inspector and he would become an RV tech. Then travel around and earn a living off fixing other people's RVs. The school, of course, costs money. Something in the range of $22k for both of us to get our schooling. Obviously something we would need to plan for, or find financing for.

Is it really a path I'm interested in? Or is it another job like trucking for me - something new to learn and make a few bucks, but ultimately not something I want to do for long term? Only one way to find out, I guess.

And what about BF? He seems to think that I should be able to trust him enough to finance the school for us both (because I do have the money). Huh? Especially after last night. Who the fuck does he think I am? I'm not about to shell out that kind of money for someone else again. Fuck that.

So, sell the extra car, sell the motorcycle, sell the RV(?). Drop my driving job and live off savings for a bit. Screw the world and most people in it. Take care of me, and me alone. Try to figure out my next move.

Would I be better off keeping the Pdx house and renting it out? Make passive income. I'm sure I could currently rent it for $2400. What with the mortgage, taxes and insurance being $1250, I'd almost double my money every month. Let's figure 35% goes into savings for maintenance & upkeep - $400. I'd still be up $700/month.

Or do I sell it and make BANK when I do, move somewhere else and start over? The money would certainly allow me to do so. I owe $195 and might be able to sell it for $450. Cut the profit in half for taxes, I'm guessing. It would still leave me with $200. How long can I live on that without bringing in other income? Six years? Not bad.

And BF, what to do with him? I didn't have a positive model for a loving couple in my life. Mom's two marriages ended in divorce, and she was so ahead of her time that I think it was difficult to find a man who could match her without smothering her power. Dad's second marriage was good, I think. It might have been a good model for me if he hadn't pushed us off to the side once my half-brother was born. I never felt welcome in their family, not really. (Maybe I should send that letter to step-mom. That one I wrote years ago about how unwelcome I felt in their lives. We'll see.). So I have no idea how to keep my autonomy and keep a relationship going. It's never been "my way or the highway" on my end. I've dealt with abandonment fears, so I'm usually the one who is trying to keep it together. I bend over my own will to keep the peace, and the person. But how long do I allow myself to feel so shitty? He is a good guy. He does a lot of things for me that no other partner has done. But he's not up to par with me. A messy childhood, grew up in a rural town, gave in to his demons and can't quite seem to buck them. So is "better than all the rest" good enough? I know I could live on my own - it's not that difficult. But the only thing here in Pdx that I really like is my house. The city sucks, the weather sucks, the people aren't my tribe. I used to have Dragonboat too, but Covid seems to have killed that for a while.

Time is creeping by today. Upturned soup bowl sky. Sunday. Nothing pressing to do. Covid still rampant (Omicron variant being the newest threat). BF recuperating, and then there's the aftermath of that to deal with. No drinking for me while on antibiotics (which is probably a good thing at the moment). Brain restless, seeming to defy landing on any one thought. Waiting while the world ticks along at its own pace can be maddening.